"The Gargantuan Method"

(Adapted from a recent article in "Big Gunz and Heavy Stuff" magazine and written by Mike Battery.)

"It was a bright sunny day when all of a sudden, the light dimmed. Not a passing cloud overhead, it was Brookszinski, fresh from his tour of Middletucky. He was back in the gym in for his monthly training session after he successfully took the overall title at the Mr. Xenia contest recently. Slightly above his contest weight of 315, he declared he would keep his weight in that neighborhood rather than letting it drift into the Ultra Heavy Weight range. I asked him if he would share some of his dieting secrets with me and he declared he could stay within range by simply omitting a few meals a month. But he would not further divulge his secrets. He said, "I came here to lift heavy stuff, read magazines and listen to the radio, not talk about the evils of pork rinds or have a 'Is the Twinkie a better snack cake than the Ho-Ho' debate with you!" So I handed him a back issue of 'Power' magazine and rolled up a office chair for him and stood back to watch, listen and learn.

Brookszinski said he had recently dropped all HIIT training from his regimen and was performing a total body workout once a month. From his studies of ancient Egyptian strength manuals translated from heiroglyphics found inside one of the pyramids, he had refined his training methodology. Based on his knowledge of Bulgarian training systems he had altered the Egyptian methods to more accurately assist him in his pursuit of 'lifting heavy stuff'. This was all top secret stuff and he said he could not divulge more because he was still sorting through all the data, some of which was still classified as 'secret' by the pharohs. And with all of Brookszinski's methods, some were too intellectual for the average lifter to understand; thus he limits the desimenination of knowledge. But like I said, I was able to observe the Greene County Silverback as he trained. Here for posterity is as accurate a reflection of what he did as I can relate.

Deadlift: work up to 650x1

Seated Dumbbell Press: work up to two sets of 1 rep each with 150-pound DBs

That's it. And he did it in 60 minutes too! I asked him if he was sick or something or if he was going to the all-you-can-eat-soup-and-salad bar at Cadillac Jack's before it closed (and could I go too). He laughed and said to me, much like one says to a small child that doesn't know better, 'Now Mike, everyone knows that one's natural production of testosterone drops rapidly after 60 minutes of training. Besides, I have cut my rest periods between sets to introduce some conditioning to my training.' A genius! I thought. I did not know.How does he come up with such knowledge?!?!  There was so much more I wanted to ask him but he waved me aside and said, 'It is time to feast.' I said is there anything else I can tell my readers and with a twinkle in his eye he said, 'For now...it is enough.'"

(Mike Battery is a cubby reporter for "Big Gunz and Heavy Stuff" magazine, "a periodical for the intelligent lifter". He hopes to one day "lift some really heavy &^%$!!!" and be kicked out of a buffet.)